Yesterday I read that Bebo Norman is retiring. It reminded me of this post I wrote a few years ago based on one of his songs (posted again below). Today I read an article on Relevant Magazine that caused me to pause and ponder a bit. The post was called “Stop Instagraming Your Perfect Life.” What I found fascinating about the article is I’ve been wrestling with this same concept all week. I’ve had the honor of meeting people “in real life” that I had previously only met through social media. I am always thrilled when they are who they appear to be online. To be honest, I lose respect if they are not.
But what am I? Especially now that people call me “Pastor” (which I’m still not comfortable with).
Am I who I say I am? Am I who I appear to be? In the art of full disclosure, the post below will tell you all you need to know. Just in case.
Originally written October 15, 2010.
I’m not sure what the pull is today, but I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to be honest. I need the permission to speak freely (thanks Anne Jackson). It all started when my iTunes played “I Hope You See Jesus” by Bebo Norman. Next thing I know the doors to my soul were open and spilling out on my keyboard. Maybe someone else needed to read or hear it. Maybe I’m giving the “gift of going second”. Whatever the reason, when this post is done, I hope you still see Jesus….
I show a smile and die on the inside.
I want to show no signs of failure but am rarely anything but
My internal thoughts are dark, depressing and often rude
I have a really hard time with forgiveness and saying “I’m sorry”
I bury bitterness, anger, doubt and fear so deep that when it surfaces it’s much worse
I live in fear of so many things, at times I lose grip with reality
I’m broken and damaged
I have a past that haunts me
I fear being irrelevant
I have addictions that are like bondage that won’t release me from their grips
I wrestle with and sometimes lose faith
I’m afraid you’ll forget me when I’m gone.
But in all those things, in all that honesty, I hope you see Jesus. In the cluttered mess that is my life, my thoughts and my actions…I hope you see Jesus. I set out with the best intentions but it never turns out how you draw it up. When it doesn’t go as planned….I hope you see Jesus.
I’m not on this big rock called earth to make a name for myself. I’ll never live up to that expectation or goal. There’s only one name that mattered yesterday. There’s only one name that matters today. There is only one name that will last forever and I hope you see him in my life.
I hope you see Jesus….