I Hope You See Jesus

I’m not sure what the pull is today, but I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to be honest. I need the permission to speak freely (thanks Anne Jackson). It all started when my iTunes played “I Hope You See Jesus” by Bebo Norman. Next thing I know the doors to my soul were open and spilling out on my keyboard. Maybe someone else needed to read or hear it. Maybe I’m giving the “gift of going second”. Whatever the reason, when this post is done, I hope you still see Jesus….

I hide.

I act.

I show a smile and die on the inside.

I want to show no signs of failure but am rarely anything but

My internal thoughts are dark, depressing and often rude

I have a really hard time with forgiveness and saying “I’m sorry”

I bury bitterness, anger, doubt and fear so deep that when it surfaces it’s much worse

I live in fear of so many things, at times I lose grip with reality

I’m broken and damaged

I have a past that haunts me

I’m selfish

I fear being irrelevant

I have addictions that are like bondage that won’t release me from their grips

I wrestle with and sometimes lose faith

I’m judgemental

I’m afraid you’ll forget me when I’m gone.

But in all those things, in all that honesty, I hope you see Jesus. In the cluttered mess that is my life, my thoughts and my actions…I hope you see Jesus. I set out with the best intentions but it never turns out how you draw it up. When it doesn’t go as planned….I hope you see Jesus.

I’m not on this big rock called earth to make a name for myself. I’ll never live up to that expectation or goal. There’s only one name that mattered yesterday. There’s only one name that matters today. There is only one name that will last forever and I hope you see him in my life.

I hope you see Jesus….

9 thoughts on “I Hope You See Jesus

  1. Eyes filled with tears reading this!
    Thank you for being so honest….now it’s my turn….
    In the few short weeks that I have been reading your blogs I have seen Jesus. I see it in your photos of you and your wife, I “hear” it in your words as I read your blogs. I see that you are not a “holy then you” person but a true well rounded, honest man just taking life one day at a time! There are great rewards awaiting you in Heaven!!

    1. Thank you Lorie. I appreciate all of your kind words and supporting this blog the way you do. If I get there and hear “well done my good and faithful servant”, than the journey will be worth the struggle. Thank you again for always leaving such kind comments! You’re a blessing.

    1. Anne – I’m not sure how you found me but I’m truly honored that you left a comment. Your book and YOUR giving the gift of going second will set so many that have struggled with the same things free. Thank you for being a vessel that so many need to hear.

  2. I’m with Lorie. Tears in my eyes not even half way through this. Gosh I could have written this post if it weren’t for my fear of putting it out there like that. Sometimes I look around and see so many others that on the outside appear to have it all together. I don’t think everyone has it easier that I do I just feel sometimes like everyone is just coping better than I am. If that makes sense? I have this constant battle with shame that comes from my past. It’s like a prison really. I read Sharon Jayne’s book, Your Scars Are Beautiful To God a couple of years ago and it talks about not being ashamed to be honest about either your past, your sins, any of it. Talk about it, don’t hide it. Once you stop hiding it, satan can’t use it to keep you held prisoner by telling you lies like “no one will understand (fill in the blank)” or “no one will like you becase you did blah blah blah”.

    Not sure if any of that made sense but anyway, thank you again for this convicting post.

    1. Thank you Arminda. I’ve had those conversations in my head often as well. Sharon Jaynes makes a great point. As Heather said on facebook, you have found your life’s sweet spot and the light just shines from you. Your comments made total sense. Thanks for always being an encourager!

  3. Aaron,
    If I just said ditto, it would not do this justice. It is crazy to me how much I find myself in your words here. Not that I don’t acknowledge it on my own but that it is like looking in a mirror.
    Here is to heading into life full throttle, navigating these murky waters, and loving wastefully, all while bringing the Kingdom of God to this world. Thanks for honesty and transparency.

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