The great philosophers’ “Kiss” once sang:
“Me and the boys are playing, but we just can’t find the sound”
Last night I joined the rest of the Journey Church Worship team for a time of working through some new songs at a local recording studio. I went into the rehearsal with several things on my mind and heart. After a few hours of working through new worship music for Sunday services and prayer together, I left refreshed and feeling renewed.
I’m not sure what the pull is today, but I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to be honest. I need the permission to speak freely (thanks Anne Jackson). It all started when my iTunes played “I Hope You See Jesus” by Bebo Norman. Next thing I know the doors to my soul were open and spilling out on my keyboard. Maybe someone else needed to read or hear it. Maybe I’m giving the “gift of going second”. Whatever the reason, when this post is done, I hope you still see Jesus….
I hide.
I act.
I show a smile and die on the inside.
I want to show no signs of failure but am rarely anything but
My internal thoughts are dark, depressing and often rude
I have a really hard time with forgiveness and saying “I’m sorry”
I bury bitterness, anger, doubt and fear so deep that when it surfaces it’s much worse
I live in fear of so many things, at times I lose grip with reality
I’m broken and damaged
I have a past that haunts me
I’m selfish
I fear being irrelevant
I have addictions that are like bondage that won’t release me from their grips
I wrestle with and sometimes lose faith
I’m judgemental
I’m afraid you’ll forget me when I’m gone.
But in all those things, in all that honesty, I hope you see Jesus. In the cluttered mess that is my life, my thoughts and my actions…I hope you see Jesus. I set out with the best intentions but it never turns out how you draw it up. When it doesn’t go as planned….I hope you see Jesus.
I’m not on this big rock called earth to make a name for myself. I’ll never live up to that expectation or goal. There’s only one name that mattered yesterday. There’s only one name that matters today. There is only one name that will last forever and I hope you see him in my life.
I hope you see Jesus….
I usually keep my Friday posts pretty fun but this one captured me today. I was surfing YouTube for something totally different and got caught up watching clips of “The Jerk”. While this movie was wildly funny, this clip left me feeling pretty guilty. At the beginning I was laughing. At the end I was sole searching. Funny how you can find inspiration in the most unlikely of places.
As to not take anything away from the clip, I’ll just frame it for you. When I think of the disciples, they are usually brought into the story by “leaving all they had” or “leaving their nets and followed him”. There was no hesitation. There was no carry-on bag for the trip. They left it all. Jesus himself said “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also“.
What hit me about this clip was how in the beginning he was willing to give it all up. But as he walked away, his “stuff” got more appealing. I had to laugh and wonder if this isn’t what I look like to God sometimes. “Lord, I don’t need this stuff…well, except that…that’s all I need to follow you”. This was a gut check for me. It was a reminder that following Jesus requires giving up everything, even the little things. I realized today that when God watches my “obedience” to give up my “stuff” to follow him….I probably look like a jerk.
“I will follow you will you follow me
All the days and nights that we know will be” – Genesis
It took me 11 years but I finally realized something. To those of you that know my wife, what I am about to say won’t surprise you at all. I realized recently that my wife would follow me to the ends of the earth. If I said “let’s go to the moon”, she would have the bags packed, kids ready and snacks for the journey. Her commitment and trust in my leadership as the “Head of Household” (a title I have never been comfortable with) is beyond my understanding. That is what I’m here to confess.
While I gladly share the responsibility of the “Head of Household” decisions, I know that at the end of the day she trusts me. When I look back and try to even out the times where I have followed her dreams, her vision and her hearts desire, I think I fall miserably short. I wonder if I have not missed my fair share of “follow me, follow you” moments. We actually had a long conversation this afternoon to that effect. With this post sitting on the tip of my tongue and no time to write it, we headed off to spend the evening with some friends at Lifepoint Church.
Through the course of a random conversation (are there any other kind?) with my good friends Ryan and Brad, this very point came up. Brad mentioned that he is going to start a series on Ephesians in a few weeks. When we returned home tonight, I went digging..
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..” (Ephesians 5:25)
There it was in black and white. There is the very reason for me to follow ALL of her dreams. There is my reason to follow ALL of her hearts desires. That is the very reason I must learn to follow her, as she has followed me. No matter where it may take us.
“Follow You, Follow Me” by Genesis
When I was growing up, I had a small cross stitch picture in my room that my mom made. It was a picture of a little cowboy with the words “Please be patient, God’s not through with me yet“. I couldn’t help but think of how prophetic that little picture was..and still is today. While I write this and ask for each of your patience with me…I think I write it to remind myself as well. God is not through with me yet.
I think so often I beat myself up over what I don’t do when it comes to my faith and family. I know I need to pray more. I know I need to be better about my devotions. I need more time with God. I need to be a better witness. I can always learn more about being a better husband, father and friend. More often than not, I set out to “live like Jesus” and before I know it, I make more mistakes than Peter. It becomes overwhelming. It can become defeating. These are my own thoughts….they don’t even count what others might think or believe.
That is where the picture came back to memory today. God is NOT done with me yet. He doesn’t demand perfection. He knew what He was getting when He created me. Nothing I do surprises Him. He knows I am a work in progress (can I get an Amen?). I’m the one that tends to forget that. I need to remember to be patient with myself…God is not finished with me yet.
10For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10)
